| | | UPCOMING OFFERINGS Monthly Meditation Gatherings in Anacortes have resumed, First Thursday of each month, October 2, November 6, December 4. See for information or call (360 293-2367. Beginning Meditation Instruction will be offered at Skagit Hospital Mondays, October 13 and 20 from 6-8 pm. Beginning Meditation at Island Hospital in Anacortes is offered Tuesdays, Octover 14 and 21 from 6-8 pm and Mondays, November 3 and 10 from 10-12 noon. For the calendar click HERE. And of course I'm available for Phone and In-person Focusing sessions by appointment. See my ads in Shambhala Sun, Tricycle and Ode. Call (360) 293-2367 for a 20-minute free consultation or to schedule a 50-minute session. |
| | | |  Hello, All, at the beginning of Fall,
"Oh,the times, they are a'changing."
We've observed the autumnal equinox, and the days grow shorter. There's a lot of flux and uncertainty going on in the world around us now, with huge shifting economic sands, the upcoming election and still much unrest in the world at large. What's happening for you personally? Are you able to find a place of balance and equanimity in the midst of chaos? That's my hope for all of us.
At the end of May my husband Bob quit his job as a software developer to explore what he wants to do instead of retiring in seven or so years. His idea is that he would like to find work that is so fulfilling that he never wants to quit. He says, "I want to die in harness joyfully." His sense is that people's worklife can keep them engaged and healthy, and that retirement is a modern aberration that isn't necessarily good for our physical, mental or spiritual health. "The reason people want to retire is because they hate their jobs. It's time to find fulfilling and rewarding work on more levels than just a paycheck." I don't want to put words in his mouth about what this experience has been for him, now four months into the exploration (maybe if enough of you ask for his own "report" he'll respond!), but I can write about what comes up for me these days. In a word, I'll have to admit: anxiety. It's really difficult for me to admit this, both to myself and others, but paying for health insurance out-of-pocket and ploughing through savings in such uncertain economic times and holding the space around so much uncertainty in our future does trigger that queasy unease in my gut. Staying with this Felt Sense that at first says "EEEEEK!" I can also feel motion/commotion, possibility, glimmers of excitement and change, yes, all of that surrounded by space.
I have lived long periods of my life as a monastic, as a musician with little income and have come to know that lack of money doesn't have to spell misery. I can see this time as a real opportunity for me to ask: How will I live this precious life of mine? What IS of prime importance? Can I be the space for this? How can I support Bob's exploring? What is my/the life-forward direction here and now?
Here are some of the ways I'm nurturing myself these days: almost-daily meditation and walks with my hubby and dog Bodhi in fabulous Washington Park, working on my fiber-art hangings, weekly Focusing sessions with my long-time phone Focusing partner, monthly get-togethers with a group of therapists/body workers supporting each other in a Focusing-based way, rekindling my women's writing group, teaching and listening to others, helping them develop Presence, dancing in the kitchen to my I-Tunes selections, and listening to recordings of people I find especially inspiring, including Eckhart Tolle and Jill Bolte Taylor, the brain researcher who suffered a massive stroke in her brain's right hemisphere and came to some stunning realizations about how our "circuitry" works. Here's a link to several interviews with Jill by Oprah:
Taylor interviews
In my listening and reading of late, I keep running into Focusing-like "doorway" references, so I thought I'd share some of these. And for the visual cue, I'll give you a couple of photos. The first was taken in the Japanese Garden at Golden Gate Park. I was there at the end of May with my two sisters, ending our Truly Great Road Trip from Chicago to SF, helping sis Chris relocate to the Bay Area. Here's the inspiration:
And here's how my back garden gate now looks, entwined with wisteria and bejeweled with ripening apples:
Listening to a talk by Eckhart Tolle recently, I heard, "One could say that the inner body is the doorway into spaciousness." I remembered a great article by Eugene Gendlin, the originator of Focusing, entitled "When You Feel the Body From the Inside, There is a Door." Here's a link to that Gendlin Talk.
And here is a pertinent quote from that talk:
"The door into the bodily living of our situations is right in the center of our very ordinary body, for example the one that is filling up your chair right now. But once you come in there and enter through this door, the whole space changes. An altogether different kind of space comes there after a while. It is an imagery space that is physically felt, but much larger than your body. Time at that bodily level is very much slower than clock time. When you think you've been waiting for an eternity down there, it was only thirty seconds. Thirty seconds is a very long time there.
Staying with a bodily felt sense is not like pushing into emotions or feelings. In ordinary experience there are only two possibilities. Either you fall into your feeling or else you run away from it. Neither of those is very good. In focusing there is a third possibility. You stay next to whatever you find, or near it. Once you know how to stay next to something, you never again need to be afraid of anything inside you. If it is too much at the moment, you know how to step back and say: 'Oh, that's too much for me right now.' You don't run away, you're still in touch with it, but near it and not in it. You back up and take a little room to breathe. The steps come best when you are neither fallen in, nor running away. They come when you can say 'I am here, it is there.'"
This is such a wonderful illustration of the Inner Relationship (Ann Weiser Cornell's term) so helpful in Focusing. I am here in Presence, with interested curiosity, patience and compassion for whatever wants my attention. Then that part that I usually push away or ignore, like my anxiety, can change, move forward, show me more.
What I'm finding in working with a number of my clients is that many are able to more and more easily rest in that place of Presence itself. This is not usually articulated in the pure Focusing literature, but my sense is that by staying with that place of "All OK" or Inner Stillness or Choiceless Awareness, having a handle for That, to be able to come back in and pick that up, is immensely helpful in everyday situations.
Again from Tolle: "It's very helpful if you don't want to be drawn into object consciousness, things, to feel the inner body, the aliveness as the anchor, as the presence and as the doorway. So when the world comes at you, stay connected with the inner body. And then you're meeting the world through stillness. And then that has an effect on that which you perceive, even the world situation."
By accessing this inner stillness, there is even an effect on the world situation! Amazing!
And this is echoed in this quote by Jill Bolte Taylor, the (ex?)brain scientist:
"It's a choice. It's easy. All you have to do is teach yourself when you're there so that you can identify what it feels like in your body, so that you can call on it at anytime."
And again Tolle: "Initially it helps to feel the inner body of your life as you speak. There you play with form and are rooted in the formless."
On another note (ta-da!), I've finally gotten around to putting up some of my meditation hangings on a website called Etsy, with handmade items. You can see them through this link: Feel free to drop me an e-mail at www.zenjan.com with thoughts, advice, comments on taking time off work to re-boot. I'd also love to hear of experiences with doorways! My heartiest wishes for a fulfilling Fall to all of you. May we all become intimate with our doorway to Presence!
Best,
Jan Hodgman, M.A.
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February, 2008
MEDITATIONS ON A SPEEDING TICKET
The other day I got a speeding ticket. I was on my way to walk Bodhi the Dog in Washington Park. I hadn't noticed I was in a particular hurry. There was that slight exhilaration of batting along with the force of gravity to the bottom of a hill, then a gulp there in my stomach as I spotted the police car tucked away on a side street.
The officer took a look at my driver's license then said, "Are you really four feet nine?"
Oh no, another gulp. "Well, actually I'm only about four feet eight and a half," I admitted. I braced myself for, "Step out of the car and stand with your back to this measuring tape," but he let it slide.
"So you must be able to really pick 'em off on this road," I said, since it was one of those places where "everybody" speeds.
"Oh, yeah, like shooting fish in a barrel," he said, "but you're the fastest one yet."
I suppose I should have been flattered. Though I was going over 40 in a 25 mph zone, he wrote the ticket for 5 miles over.
Ever since the ticket, I'm more attentive to my speed and I'm realizing that I was often exceeding speed limits before. In an odd way, that citation was a sort of gift, reminding me to pay attention, be more in the moment. Now I notice that there is a different sense of being relaxed as I drive around town, actually going 25 and 30 mph. I even set my cruise control, so my lead foot doesn't get the better of me. What's my hurry, anyway? Where is there to be but here?
This whole subject of time and the moment comes up over and over for me, one of my fascinations. Here's one of the recent daily PEACE quotes I received by e-mail (if you want to receive them, here's the link: http://www.livingcompassion.org/dailypeacequotes.html)
"To realize the unimportance of time is the gate of wisdom."
- Bertrand Russell
At first there was a bit of a balk there for me. Unimportance?? And then I recognized a connecting strand to a Zen story about Joshu. He was a formidable Chinese Zen master of old, and my master, Harada Sekkei Roshi, was fond of his saying:
"Before I knew that the Way is myself, I was used by time. But after I realized the Way is myself, I was no longer used by time. Now I am able to live using time."
from The Essence of Zen: Dharma Talks Given in Europe and America by Sekkei Harada
When I'm really in the moment, fully involved or one with whatever I'm doing, the sense of time drops away. And even in the midst of this, I can be aware of the time on the clock, recognizing that that is how we operate in the world. Time is dance and tempo, seasons and turnings. Examining our relationship to time is a great way to get to know ourselves. In the past week I've heard these statements:
"I need more hours in a day."
"It's hard to find time to do inner work."
"There's just never enough time."
We all recognize the sense of what's being said, but what is the true meaning? How are we choosing to live our lives? Several of the people I'm working with in Focusing sessions have a strong sense of finite time in their lives, and recognize the value of whatever remains. How can we honor this precious life?
I also notice a thread running through several people's processes about feeling guilty about taking "time out" for themselves. Yet it's so clear to me that we are much more fully able to really BE with others if we are caring for and kind to ourselves. The time we take for whatever nurtures us, like meditation or Focusing sessions, massage, journaling or enjoying music, opens and frees more of us to be here now with whatever comes our way, experiencing this moment freshly. Or we might feel this as getting out of our own way, becoming JUST THIS.
"Spiritual powers and miraculous manifestations are not wonders produced
by ghosts or spirits from outer space; these terms refer to working freely and
independently whatever you do."
Yagyu Munenori, 16th century martial artist
Wow! Spiritual powers and miraculous manifestations--driving my car, taking a walk, writing a newsletter!Here's to this precious present moment! Jan
| Let there be light...and dark! |
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| December Greetings! | | There are still a few golden leaves clinging around here, and the wreaths and holiday lights are going up on our block. We've had our first magical dusting of snow, whitening the grayness that descends on the Pacific Northwest this time of year. I have a sense of our careening toward the winter solstice, with shortening days darkened by clouds and rain. I appreciate how many cultures have some form of ceremonial kindling of the light to ward off our innate discomfort with dark this time of year. Even Buddha's enlightenment happens in December. So twice in the last week I've been delighted to walk into offices illuminated with candlelight. In one case the power was off, and the lighting of flickering candles was so utterly cozy compared to the usual harshness of electric light. I remembered the Japanese author Tanizaki's piece, In Praise of Shadows, with this quote: "So benumbed are we nowadays by electric lights that we have become utterly insensitive to the evils of excessive illumination." Interesting to think of "excessive illumination!" And it's certainly true that the "felt sense" of a woodfire or lit candle is very different from that of an electric light. For me at this time of the year there's both the pull to hibernate, and the wanting to be among friends and family to affirm our connectedness. Finding the balance and equipoise of these two is a lively dynamic, like the dancing flames of a fire. I'm finding my meditation classes filled with people looking for a way to cope with the stress of this season and it's wonderful to see how attending to the moment can give us a respite from "clock time" even in the midst of activity. I'm reminded that Buddha said on his deathbed, "Be a lamp unto yourself." Here's another lovely crossing of meditation and Focusing for me: the belief that we are inherently whole, that we have innate wisdom, or ARE that wisdom when we can let the light shine through. Meditation helps me sit with and cultivate that wisdom; Focusing gives me a way to allow it to function in the world. We're able to shine a light on the bogeymen lurking in our corners, those parts of us that we usually try to push away or ignore. Here at last is a way to make room and be with these parts in a safe, productive way. We shine a light on them, and lo and behold, we can come to a new embodied understanding. Let there be light and dark! And the wisdom to appreciate both! Peace and generosity to you, Jan Hodgman Visit me at 
Looking up at Chihuly's Bridge of Glass at Tacoma's Museum of Glass (photo by Jan Hodgman) |
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September, 2007
With a hint of autumn colors already!
For my birthday this summer I received Jane Dunnewold's Complex Cloth: The Workshops, a 3-disc set of processes and techniques for fabric dyeing and decorating.
It's full of eye-opening ideas and advice, and I was particularly struck by an example she gave in her section on Overdyeing.
(So you're asking yourself, "What does this have to do with Focusing, Zen, or inner wisdom?" Hold on, have faith!)
I've enjoyed dyeing fabric for a number of years, and done a fair amount of experimenting with color, but Jane pushed me right off the edge of my comfort zone into that sparkling place of discovery. The "conventional wisdom" about color is that when you mix two colors opposite each other on a color wheel (called complementary colors, like orange and blue or purple and yellow), you end up with, well, usually mud. But Jane showed several examples of pieces she had dyed, first folding and putting in one color, then refolding and putting into an opposite color. Instead of getting mud, she got all sorts of fabulous unlikely combinations of colors, and places where the two original colors remained distinct.
My experiment was to fold a piece of fabric, dye it first in Desert Green, a blue-green , then refolding it and dyeing it in fuschia, close to magenta. Here's what I got:
"Not Mud at All!" (and it's much more vivid in person)
This experience keeps expanding for me as I sense into why it feels so significant. First, it was great to have someone nudge me out of my comfort zone, or rather into an area I thought I knew and wouldn't like (I wasn't after mud here). It reminded me of the many times my Zen Master Harada Sekkei Roshi played the same role for me, being present for me as I explored unfamiliar and maybe scary territory. (There's a Zen koan called "Stepping Off the 100-foot Pole" that comes to mind.)
It was really helpful for Jane Dunnewold to encourage experimentation, and I was reminded of my Focusing Coordinator Reva Bernstein's advice to not be attached to the outcome. Being attentive to the process, aware in the moment of creativity, the "flow" of becoming the project itself, is familiar to me through my Zen training.
Then there are the many times in the process of Focusing that I am startled, tickled, expanded by staying with and exploring the Edge, that place of uncertainty and uneasiness, and at the same time fraught with possibility and discovery. Perhaps the most dramatic instances of this are when I am able to open up to places that I usually label as unwanted, unlikeable or even seemingly harmful. It's so fresh when I can come to a space where I can say, "Wow! So THAT's what that is about!" or "No WONDER that's there," or "Thank you for trying to protect me and maybe it's not necessary anymore."
It takes trust to open up to those unwanted parts of ourselves, and it certainly helps to have a guide or mentor along for encouragement. Buddha is quoted as saying on his deathbed, "Be a lamp unto yourselves," but it sure is a help to have someone hold the lamp for us or at least to hold our hand. And still we find the truth within ourselves. It's not something that can be given to us.
After a Focusing session with someone this last week where she was able to experience "the eye of the storm," I came across this quote in some of Eugene Gendlin's work*:
"One client describes it in terms of a hurricane: 'If you only go so far into something, its like going into a hurricane and getting terribly blown around. You have to go into it and then keep going further and further in till you get to the eye of the hurricane. There it's quiet and you can see where you are.' This beautifully expresses the fact that the direction of focusing is definitely into the emotions, not away from them, yet also that focusing involves something qualitatively very different than merely 'being blown around' by the emotions. The illustration also captures something of the centrality, depth, and quiet which one finds-- the quality which others have called 'being in touch with myself.'"
Here's to all of us being in touch with ourselves!
Joy and peace,
Jan
Heart Lake bench, September 2007
* from "A Theory of Personality Change" by Eugene T. Gendlin, Ph.D., Chapter four in: Personality Change, Philip Worchel & Donn Byrne (Eds.), New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1964